When the night haunts!

Its 2 a.m, she is fighting the urge to end her life. She is looking for an escape; from her problems, from her pain, from her depression. She is thinking of options; pills, knife, bleach; lots of options to end her life but nothing to save her. She is crying her heart out, she is fighting herself. She keeps a pillow to her face and screams so no one in the house finds out her pain. But why is she doing this? Why does she feel the need to end her life?

She falls weak when she is tired of fighting. She has been fighting since years, to let the world know who she is and what she wants from life. She just wants to be trusted and someone to trust on, someone to count on. She has lots of questions she can’t find answers to. She has so many things to talk about but she is out of words. Maybe she is scared. Scared that no one wants to listen to her. Scared that no one will understand her. Scared that no one wants to be there for her. Scared that nobody really cares about her existence. Not friends, not family, no one. But why is she so scared?

She is scarred, emotionally. When that fifteen year old girl lost her father and left the country she was born and brought up in, her life tilted upside down. She had to face an abusive brother who ridiculed her for being fat, and a mother who would never stop him. Family is what we count on but when one hears harsh and abusive words from their siblings, its leaves a scar for life. No matter if the situations improve, the relations become stronger but those words remain forever.

She made friends, some of them even very close. Then why doesn’t she have anyone to talk to? Why doesn’t she have anyone to call at this hour of the night? Why can’t she trust anyone? Because she has been lied to. The friends she considered so dear have not considered her equally important. They lie to her, they cheat her, they even ruin her happiness when they find out someone is trying to make her smile.

A teacher is someone who lights a student’s life towards success and wisdom but what to do when a teacher turns out to be a ‘devil in disguise’. She trusted a teacher to be an ideal for her. She consulted him for guidance in every step, looked up to him in every situation. What did he do? Put her in a situation where she could have been sexually abused. She considered him to be a father figure. He pretended to protect her in all circumstances but who knew he would put her in such a situation. She learnt a great lesson that day; never idealize anyone, you will shatter when the truth reveals.

She wants to feel the sense of belonging. She wants someone to be there for her, to handle her in her worst and to celebrate with her when she finds those little moments of happiness. She wants someone to hug her tight when she is crying, then buy her French fries to cheer her up. She wants someone who would motivate her for what she does; her education, her independence, her helpful nature; not someone who would make her feel inferior by saying ‘oh you drive? I am sure you are pretty bad it’. She wants someone to love her soul and not her body. But she can’t find anyone, it’s too difficult for her. Why is that so?

After all the things she has gone through she finds it hard to trust anyone, and when she can’t trust anyone how can she love? She cared, she loved, she trusted; and then people made her realize that she can’t be loved, she can only be lusted. She has an attractive personality and many men approach her but neither has the intention to marry her. She just keeps thinking what those other girls do that a guy is convinced to get married. Maybe it will take her another life to learn the trick about persuading a guy for marriage and then maybe she will find someone who would love her.

A girl can conquer the world when her parents support her but the day she lost her father she lost all the support too. She wants to talk and share so much but she can’t because she knows her mother will not understand. She knows being a single parent has not been easy for her mother but all she needs is her trust. To trust her and let her fly, not to cut down her wings and cage her in the house when she is already fighting to survive. She doesn’t want that anger when she returns home a little late after work because she was out with her friends for a while. She wants a welcome hug, a feeling of concern and relaxation a mother feels when her child gets home safe. But when she sees those furious eyes, she wishes she had died before returning home. She wants her mother to understand that once in a while, it’s good to let her go and enjoy by herself. She wants to travel and explore the world, experience new things, learn the good and bad by herself. She has to live a dutiful life once she gets married, she just wants to live her happiness now. She doesn’t show her weakness because she has to be the strength of the family, the one who keeps everyone happy and smiling. She is shattered inside yet she smiles on the outside.

Maybe it’s too little to say why she landed in a depressed life. Or maybe she is too tired to write anymore, or maybe she can’t find anymore words to explain the pain she is going through. Maybe she is just scared if she tells the complete truth she will ruin her life herself. Maybe she is just scared of herself because she doesn’t know if she will be able to survive the night or not.