When the night haunts!

Its 2 a.m, she is fighting the urge to end her life. She is looking for an escape; from her problems, from her pain, from her depression. She is thinking of options; pills, knife, bleach; lots of options to end her life but nothing to save her. She is crying her heart out, she is fighting herself. She keeps a pillow to her face and screams so no one in the house finds out her pain. But why is she doing this? Why does she feel the need to end her life?

She falls weak when she is tired of fighting. She has been fighting since years, to let the world know who she is and what she wants from life. She just wants to be trusted and someone to trust on, someone to count on. She has lots of questions she can’t find answers to. She has so many things to talk about but she is out of words. Maybe she is scared. Scared that no one wants to listen to her. Scared that no one will understand her. Scared that no one wants to be there for her. Scared that nobody really cares about her existence. Not friends, not family, no one. But why is she so scared?

She is scarred, emotionally. When that fifteen year old girl lost her father and left the country she was born and brought up in, her life tilted upside down. She had to face an abusive brother who ridiculed her for being fat, and a mother who would never stop him. Family is what we count on but when one hears harsh and abusive words from their siblings, its leaves a scar for life. No matter if the situations improve, the relations become stronger but those words remain forever.

She made friends, some of them even very close. Then why doesn’t she have anyone to talk to? Why doesn’t she have anyone to call at this hour of the night? Why can’t she trust anyone? Because she has been lied to. The friends she considered so dear have not considered her equally important. They lie to her, they cheat her, they even ruin her happiness when they find out someone is trying to make her smile.

A teacher is someone who lights a student’s life towards success and wisdom but what to do when a teacher turns out to be a ‘devil in disguise’. She trusted a teacher to be an ideal for her. She consulted him for guidance in every step, looked up to him in every situation. What did he do? Put her in a situation where she could have been sexually abused. She considered him to be a father figure. He pretended to protect her in all circumstances but who knew he would put her in such a situation. She learnt a great lesson that day; never idealize anyone, you will shatter when the truth reveals.

She wants to feel the sense of belonging. She wants someone to be there for her, to handle her in her worst and to celebrate with her when she finds those little moments of happiness. She wants someone to hug her tight when she is crying, then buy her French fries to cheer her up. She wants someone who would motivate her for what she does; her education, her independence, her helpful nature; not someone who would make her feel inferior by saying ‘oh you drive? I am sure you are pretty bad it’. She wants someone to love her soul and not her body. But she can’t find anyone, it’s too difficult for her. Why is that so?

After all the things she has gone through she finds it hard to trust anyone, and when she can’t trust anyone how can she love? She cared, she loved, she trusted; and then people made her realize that she can’t be loved, she can only be lusted. She has an attractive personality and many men approach her but neither has the intention to marry her. She just keeps thinking what those other girls do that a guy is convinced to get married. Maybe it will take her another life to learn the trick about persuading a guy for marriage and then maybe she will find someone who would love her.

A girl can conquer the world when her parents support her but the day she lost her father she lost all the support too. She wants to talk and share so much but she can’t because she knows her mother will not understand. She knows being a single parent has not been easy for her mother but all she needs is her trust. To trust her and let her fly, not to cut down her wings and cage her in the house when she is already fighting to survive. She doesn’t want that anger when she returns home a little late after work because she was out with her friends for a while. She wants a welcome hug, a feeling of concern and relaxation a mother feels when her child gets home safe. But when she sees those furious eyes, she wishes she had died before returning home. She wants her mother to understand that once in a while, it’s good to let her go and enjoy by herself. She wants to travel and explore the world, experience new things, learn the good and bad by herself. She has to live a dutiful life once she gets married, she just wants to live her happiness now. She doesn’t show her weakness because she has to be the strength of the family, the one who keeps everyone happy and smiling. She is shattered inside yet she smiles on the outside.

Maybe it’s too little to say why she landed in a depressed life. Or maybe she is too tired to write anymore, or maybe she can’t find anymore words to explain the pain she is going through. Maybe she is just scared if she tells the complete truth she will ruin her life herself. Maybe she is just scared of herself because she doesn’t know if she will be able to survive the night or not.

Why the tears?

At some point of life, every one of us has cried.  Many of us are very emotional and we cry a lot, others are stronger and have a better control over their tears. People who care about us and love us get concerned over why we cry but we are never able to give them the right answer. Often they make assumptions and then explain to us that whatever is happening is for the best and we should just accept it.

Have we ever asked ourselves why are we really crying? The answer is very simple. We cry when a situation is not according to our will.

As a child, we used to cry when we didn’t want to go to school but were forced to. We didn’t want our favorite toy to break but it happened which made us cry. We wanted to eat our favorite snack but we needed a healthier meal. We wanted to play but were forced to study. As a kid we didn’t understand the better but our parents did and hence we were forced to do something we didn’t want to. The result; crying.

Moving towards maturity, we still cry at many times. The reason is still the same but now we can’t control it anymore, in most of the situations. We failed in an exam; we didn’t want to, we were working hard, but somehow not hard enough to clear the exam. We cry, because we are scared our parents will scold us. We don’t want to be scolded, we want to be motivated, and we want to hear “no problem if you failed this time, work harder and you will pass the next exam”.

Many people even cry when they are in the wrong profession. It was not their choice, they did it out of pressure from the family. They are living a life they didn’t want, they are doing a job they don’t like but they have to. How many doctors, engineers and managers are out there who would have been happier being a painter, musician or a designer? Or how happy a dermatologist might have been being a cardiologist, but the decision to become a dermatologist had to be taken because of better opportunities in the field and better chances of earning.

When a person leaves us, or dies, it is not according to our will. It makes us cry. We didn’t want that person to leave us but we can’t make things happen according to our will. Maybe we can convince a person to come back into our life by solving problems but we cannot bring someone back from the grave. This makes us cry even more. Someone we loved so much is no more, we can’t see them, we can’t touch them, we can’t talk to them; this helpless thought keeps the tears flowing.

When a girl gets married and has to leave her home, she cries. She doesn’t want to go, she wants to stay with her parents, her siblings, in her room, with her favorite food and movies. She wants that liberty she has at her parent’s house. Her family cries because they don’t her want to leave as well, but they are forced by the norms of society.

When a person is angry and not talking to us, we often cry. We don’t want that person’s anger, we didn’t mean to hurt them. We do or say things that are the real us, which hurts the other person and then they ignore us and we cry. Considering the person’s importance in our life we decide not to say or do those things again. In other words we decide not to be ourselves.

When we cry we convince ourselves to accept the situation, no matter how against it is to us. People who don’t cry are better at accepting and submitting towards the needs of society and family. They accept that they cannot take the situation into control and they have to do whatever they are forced to. They have been taught not to fight for themselves and to accept the decisions imposed on to them but at times, the very difficult times, even they cry. They cry because on the inside, they wish they had the power to control the situations in their lives and be happy the way they wish to be.

Where does the happiness lie?

We all feel hopeless at some time of the day, week or the month. We find it hard to smile, to love ourselves, to love others, to stay happy and find a reason to love life. No matter what, we just can’t find the courage to smile. It feels like there is a burden, someone pressing hard against the chest and stopping us from being happy or smiling.

In this difficult situation, we never understand that it’s actually the little things that help us get out of that phase. A few encouraging words by someone, maybe a good morning message, a cup of tea with a friend, seeing the sunset by the sea, reading a favorite book, cuddling with your favorite person while watching a movie, a scoop of ice cream, a bucket of French Fries, a playful time with your pet, coloring, painting, listening to your favorite old song during a long drive, an unexpected chocolate received, an unexpected hug by a loved one, a kiss by an adorable kid. We seem to expect something big and life changing to get us out of an upset phase and start smiling again.

We forget being thankful; to our creator as well as towards the people in our lives. We lack gratitude in our lives that makes us blind from the little pleasures that surround us. These minor things are not just needed to be delighted but these are the exact moments where true happiness lies.

When schools turn into businesses

Dear parents,

Are you sure your child is getting the right education at school? Are you sure the marks he is scoring is what he deserves? Are you sure he worked hard enough to achieve the grades his report card shows?

How many of you actually demand to see the papers of every subject? Why do you trust your child blindly? Or the institution he goes to? Are you sure the teacher is knowledgeable enough to teach your child?

I have been closely associated to a school (one that is well known and having many campuses in Karachi) and its upsetting how the future of children is being ruined. High fees is demanded, low infrastructure is provided and when the parents complain, the compensation is dispersion of marks to pass a child. Not just 2/3 marks but as much as 12-15 marks in various subjects. A student was even passed when her paper went missing, one even when she didn’t appear in any of the exams. The point I am trying to highlight is not marks but how the coming generation will learn not to work hard and earn what they truly deserve. All their mistakes will be covered up without encouraging them to work hard or grow as a better person.

The concept of punishment has vanished. I remember during school days I used to be so fearful of my teachers and punishments that I would make sure my uniform, homework and grades are in the right order. Nowadays, if a child pokes or hits a teacher, or submits incomplete homework, or fails the exam; he has no fear of punishment, neither from the school nor from his parents. I just wonder how many criminals we are bringing up as these fearless kids.

Schools these days focus on events which involve singing competitions, dance competitions and play areas and fun fair. Where are those grand quiz competitions, art competitions, science competitions where children actually utilize their abilities to the most and learn for better? They grow while preparing for the competition, because they want to be the best but with their own hard work. The spirit of competition is lost and children just want to be number one even if they are not willing to work hard enough.

We talk about racism, cast, culture but we don’t realize what our children learn at school. Teachers are forced to dress up well, have perfect makeup, even demanded to quit hijab. Aren’t we teaching kids that only a person who is dressed well and looking at his best is a good person and if someone is inclined towards religion he is not considered to be good rather a threat and disgrace? A teacher wearing hijab is considered to be shallow and not eligible enough to teach at this particular school I am talking about. Well if they consider following the religion to be a degrading behavior then imagine what the students will actually be learning at that school.

Discussing further, it’s not just the appearance that is used to decide whether a teacher is good for the school but also his ability to satisfy the seniors of the school management. A teacher should be smart enough to involve in workplace politics and prove that he is right while others are wrong. He should be close friends with the seniors so he doesn’t have to do much work and always be saved by the senior’s favor even when he is wrong. If someone is not willing to involve in backbiting and wrongdoing, is honestly fulfilling his responsibilities, he will be targeted with all sorts of accusations and sacked from his job. On the other hand, teachers who are not even clear with the basic concepts and often dress up like beggars will be teaching for years in the same institution, just because they have strong bonds with the senior management.

It’s true that every child informs parents about his teacher, the good ones and even the bad ones. In my opinion the parents should have an option to select whether a teacher should stay in school or not based on the child’s results and what positive or negative reviews he has shared about a particular teacher. Maybe a teacher is strict but if the child is performing well in the subject the parents might want to continue with the teacher but if a teacher is very soft spoken but the child’s results are not satisfying then the teacher is not good enough because ultimately parents want their children to have the best of education and not spending money for free grades.

What defines you?

Who do you see in the mirror every morning? Is it that fat ugly girl who gets humiliated by people for her curves? Is it that dark complexioned girl who is made to feel inferior in family gatherings and workplace? Is it the girl who has become an introvert because of the acne scars? Who is she? Who are you?

Is it this skin color that defines you? Is it the plus size that is your identity? Why have you given the chance to anyone that they can judge you based on appearance? Why do you care so much about how the world looks at you? Why does anyone in this world have the power to make you feel inferior?

Wake up tomorrow morning and look into the mirror again. Find that strong girl who brings a smile to people’s faces when she meets them. Look at that girl who studies hard day and night to score well and build a bright future for herself and make her parents proud. Look at that girl who is a doctor and puts others health and happiness running around wards through the day when she herself is deprived of food and water. The girl who designs dresses so others can look pretty while she herself is comfortable in her jeans and tees. The girl who is an artist and fill up lives with colors but loves her old black sneakers.

Whether you are an engineer, doctor, pilot, designer, architect, writer, chef, photographer, student, artist or just a home maker; focus on the things you do for people that makes them smile. Look at how that girl in the mirror does wonders to fix around messed up lives of people. How one feels happier because of something that you have done by just being there in your right place at the right time. That is what defines you.

The happiness that you provide to people, that is exactly what you deserve. So never let anyone point out your appearance as a major flaw in you. Next time when someone calls you fat or ugly just reply ‘at least I don’t make people feel bad, like you were just trying to do’. Accept yourself however you are, because that’s how you were created to be; and the Almighty makes no mistakes.

Prioritize your smile and your happiness over other’s opinions. Love yourself and accept yourself. Next time when you look into the mirror, look at the girl you are, not the one the world wants you to be.

Color away the worries!

When was the last time you colored something?

Or painted?

Or sketched?

Don’t remember? Well then probably it’s been a very long time and you need to bring out the inner child and indulge in some art activity. I am not saying this for the sake of fun but for your betterment. If you are feeling upset, depressed, anxious, confused, angry, or anything that makes it difficult for you to think properly; just sit down and color for a while.

I built up this habit about two years back. I searched the internet for ‘adult coloring patterns’ and found drawing sheets that have detailed intricate patterns to fill in. I color them with different mediums depending on my mood. Sometimes I use color pencils or poster colors, chalk pastels, oil pastels, water colors, markers or sometimes simply shading with a regular pencil. It really helps me to relax. It decreases my anxiety and confusions and helps me to think clearly.

What happens is when I am involved in filling colors to these detailed patterns, I forget what was actually disturbing me. When I keep thinking about the problem I am never able to find a solution but when I am involved in art, and forget it for a while, then rethink about it I realize that the solution was so easy but because I was so tensed I was not being able to figure it out.

Unfortunately in our country art has always been considered a failure. But internationally, art is a great healer. Art therapy institutes are formed and people are treated for their mental health problems. Psychologists see a vast difference in people form the first session and even the patients say that it’s great how they can express themselves through colors and start recovering from their depression.

So next time you feel something is not going right, just disconnect from the world for a while and connect yourself with art. Also, if you have kids, build up this habit in them from now so they don’t grow up to be individuals finding it difficult to express themselves when they aren’t able to find words to speak.

Something for skincare!

So I use these two products thrice a week for my face. I have an acne prone skin and the products that best suit me are the ones that contain tea tree oil. After a lot of research over the internet and going through many articles and reviews I had started using these products mainly from The Body Shop or Boots.

What I do is I use The Body Shop foaming cleanser well over my face for good 8-10 minutes, massaging well using a facial electric cleanser brush. Then clean with water and wipe dry with a tissue paper. Then apply the Facial mask from Boots ‘Tea Tree and Witch Hazel with active charcoal’. Leave it on for 15-20 minutes as it mentions in the direction. Wash your face and wipe dry with a tissue paper.

Walla! You have a refreshing, glowing skin. Do not moisturize for at least half an hour, as your skin needs to breathe.